Bandana

Now I'm Mad,

2005-08-25T17:17:00.000-07:00

First let me say that this will be my last blog for a while. Due to pending litigation I will shortly be under a gag order and will not be allowed to use this limited journalistic venue lest I sway the general public unfairly before trial begins and the suit is settled. I can make no comment but I can say that it has nothing to do with this publication or anyone associated with it. (Relax Kristene, I didn't do anything, I'm the key witness and victim) I thank those who allowed me to speak my piece and publish it. It has been fun for me.

Now, yer asking yerself what could Bandana possibly be mad about. Well, it's rare for me but sometimes when hypocrites get public attention I get just a little riled. So, once again my temper forces me, nay, compels me to lash out in a manner described in military terms as, "with extreme prejudice" (That just piqued the interest of those who truly walked the walk) For the rest of you, well if ya don't understand what I just said then you've not earned the right to question me. On this issue I wouldn't respect anything you had to say because frankly, you didn't bleed and I did.

I've seen a whole lot of discussion on this war in Iraq and the Stans. Some are for the war, some are against. Well, to all of them I say this. "I don't care if yer for it or against it,, if ya haven't served in country then you've no right to say anything so shut the hell up, all of ya!!!" None of ya are helping the ones who need the help. Yer quick with yer mouth when ya want to run it, and yer quick to wave the flag and burn the flag whenever it suits yer mood. Funny how closed yer wallet is when it comes to the needs of those left behind. All that money yer willing to spend for yer public demonstrations but not one dime to help pay an electric bill or heat bill, or car repair for those suffering right here from the war. How about those wounded? Do you have a clue what its like for them? What about the job that was supposed to be saved for that g.i.? Can't be bothered about that can ya! You can pay an athelete 10 million a year but you can't find a dime for a used wheel chair for a wounded soldier. Hypocrites, yer nothing but a bunch of sunshine patriot hypocrites.

One man dies in a war and the half the country is in an uproar. Hypocrites, all of ya are. You same people will run someone off the road on a whim or terrorize them by tailgating them so closely that you can see the fear in their eyes. 11 people were slaughtered on the highways in this state today. Why is there no public uproar to stop the unsafe driving habits? I guess getting killed on the highway is acceptable and getting killed in combat isn't. You people are very strange to me. Your concept of death is ambiguous at best. Dead is dead and it don't really matter how it happened or why. It's FOREVER.

The whole world knows the only people in this country who have any guts are those in uniform. The rest of the population can't handle it. Yer weak and the whole world knows it. You don't know how blessed you are. You don't respect it and don't value it. And sooner than you think it will all be gone. Right now everyone is focused on the Islamic fundalmentalist movement. Well, you people are responsible for that. You people caused the terrorist movement to start to begin with. That's right, I SAID YOU PEOPLE!!!

It's your consumption of oil that has caused all the problems we have now. You demand cheap oil, you drive yer gas guzlers knowing full well that the countries who supply it to us have corrupt governments and thru yer purchase you keep them in power. Don't blame the government, they're only giving you what you want. If you really wanted to stop these conflicts you would demand that the government fund the research and re-tooling that would be necessary to build vehicles which didn't consume oil. Force the big gas companies to open their distibution markets for alternate fuels. Don't tell me it can't be done. This country had the minds to build the steath fighter, the M1 tank, the raptor, and the shuttle and we've been to the moon. We did it all here. So why are we allowing these two bit countries whose rulers are self serving and enriching only themselves at the expense of their people to dominate us and force us to fight the very people who oppose these rulers. The people in these countries have damn good reasons to revolt, yet are prevented by the power and influence of the U. S., which is you. You prop up and arm and support these unjust governments so you can have yer oil and deny the people of those countries the right to revolt and replace the powers that be. And you wonder why they hate us. You demand justice, yet deny it to them, all for the sake of that Sunday drive.

But then it isn't gonna matter much in the near future. There's a bigger conflict looming on the horizon. There's a hungry monster out there licking his chops and grinning. Ya see he's the biggest boy on the block and he's watching us and our current enemies weaken ourselves and when the time is right, he will sate his hunger pangs and feed on both of us. Our only hope for survival as a country depends on our getting off the oil addiction. We can't compete with China for what oil is available. We're already losing that battle, just check the price at the pump today. It's gonna get worse. Prediction from me is 5 bucks a gallon within two years. It ain't rocket science people, just keep an eye on how much oil China is buying and how much they are willing to pay. Soon enough China will replace us as the dominate power in the world, Their influence is evident already. You did know the Chinese military controls the panama canal right? 10 per cent of our oil comes from Venezuela, or it used to, guess where it's headed now.

This country is becoming a two class society, haves and have nots and the have nots are growing at an ever increasing rate. So many have nots could care less who runs this country because, nothing much will change for them. Only the haves will care because they stand to lose the most. That's right, keep laughing at the homeless and the poor and the uneducated and the economically trapped and destitute people. Count yer profits and be as rude to the people who have less than you as you can be. When China comes and you need these people they won't be there and all yer money and bling won't matter then. They'll be laughin at you!!

It was a summer night long ago at a bar in East Orleans that a friend of mine asked me what war was like. I told her a half-truth...If yer still out there, sadly, it will be on yer doorstep soon. I will stand my ground and fight, but there's no stopping it. There won't be enough of us who will stand and we'll fall quickly. And it won't matter if you were for or against the war as we will have lost. We already have lost, we just haven't fought the battle yet....I'm not afraid, to me, death ain't nothing but a doorway. But then I conquered that fear long ago and you've never faced it, but you will, you all will.

I'll Stand My Ground, Who Will Stand With Me? Scouts out!!!!

CHRISTIANS AND MUSLIMS AND JEWS, "OH MY"

2005-08-07T07:30:00.000-07:00

It seems to me that there is a whole lot of hatred based on uneducated perceptions and inferences as to what a person is supposed to do, think, say and believe based on which of the Holy Books one subscribes to. (I'm not so sure anymore that holy is a good thing)

Now me, I read my Bible and try to live my life with some flexible structure. I don't judge people, I don't exclude people, and I don't use it as the basis for hate. Many would say I'm a bad Christian because I don't attend services, and don't contribute to the church blah blah blah. This coming from people who have never read the Bible to begin with. Most of you "Christians" have never read it but can certainly prejudge others based on their religion. Think I'm wrong? Okay spanky, here's your challenge then, find the only definition for the word love. It's in there. That's what I thought. Don't go running to your pastor, look it up yourself. Nevermind, I forgot, your not allowed to have your own insights are you. That good old church authority might just excommunicate you. Cowards.

Jews are whinners. They had it all and blew it and now are in denial and blame everyone and everything but themselves. It is said that they are God's chosen people. I would say that I agree with that belief, but my question is, "Chosen for what?" Quit whining and re-count that stack of diamonds. You actually have it pretty good compared to most everyone else. I've often wondered why Jews don't have outreach ministries to draw the masses. Why is that? To you I'm an unwelcome gentile until you need to make some money, then I'm your favorite person.

Islam. There is no substitute. Just ask them. To them I am and infidel. Actually what an infidel is changes from mosque to mosque and routinely includes other Muslims. Don't kid yourself, these people believe in world domination, whatever it takes. I've seen the slaughter in Africa. Convert or watch your own child be be-headed or your young daughter raped. Downright medieval, modern version of the inquisition. Not much difference between an infidel a gentile and a heretic. Judgment by lunatics if you ask me. Be-heading as gruesome as it appears is actually a very quick death. I've seen U.N. peacekeeping troops do far worse.

Each one of these religions is responsible for extreme forms of brutality and terrorism in the name of God. They are all terrorists. But then a certain bit of terrorism exists in all of us and permeates our societies. PETA which claims to protect animal rights actually is responsible for more animal deaths than any other organization. (No, PETA does not stand for people eating tasty animals) Environmentalists destroy everything that they feel is anti environment. Baptists pretty much say its okay to kill anyone who supports abortion. Simply put, they say its wrong to kill so lets kill the killers to stop the killing. (makes your head spin doesn't it.

Those are pretty broad based entities and you may feel that you aren't a terrorist and would never and could never terrorize someone. OH REALLY! Lets see how honest you are with yourself. Have you ever tailgated someone? Sure ya have. What was it that was going through your mind? You wanted to scare the hell out of that person didn't you? You wanted them to fear you for whatever transgression they perpetrated on you. You hated that person so much that you risked losing your own life just to make a point or to strike back. HMMMM, isn't that what those homicide bombers do?

Don't blame the religions, they are just the vehicles frustrated and angry people use to "tailgate" you. You got in the way. And it's as simple as that.

Stand Yer Ground, Bandana

Once Upon A Time In Orleans

2005-07-21T11:11:00.000-07:00

As life constantly takes me from one challenge to another I find that at times I need a place to go in my mind that brings a sense of fun back to me. The best summer I ever had was in Orleans. I worked so hard as we all did and the people who I worked with were the best medicine one could have for a troubled heart. They were fun, they were supportive, they were up for anything and I felt welcome. They weren't afraid to be themselves.

At times we would all go out somewhere together and we became the people everyone wanted to be around. That was a special time with some special people. Where ever they all are today, in my mind they are all back there; at the bar after work, listening to music and drumming on the bar with silverware and just having fun. A time where a simple kiss on the cheek meant so much. And I can still hear the laughter and the singing.

If I could live one summer over, that would be the one and I wouldn't change a thing. It's one of those rare times in life that I was with the right people, in the right place, at the right time, and everything was fun. With the world as it is now, how much we all need those kind of times. Not even the Sox winning the series tops that summer for me. So this is for the crew of the cross. And for the rest of you, I hope this takes you back to a pleasant distant memory.

In the interest of fairness, you'll have to agree.
That there's something amiss in the land of the free.
In Orleans events border on the absurd,
So listen up traveler, I need to be heard.

Live here I did in the land of the Moe.
Eked out a living, then went to the Ho.
Served dinner breakfast and lunch to the crowds,
Spent my days off staring up at the clouds.

Grew my hair long til she gave it a trim,
Often I'd wonder what she's doing with him,
Never made sense, even she didn't know,
Oh what the hell, and it's back to the Ho.

Summertime driving and getting no where.
Like moving around in a comfortable chair.
Getting up earlier than I'd like to be,
But the airport had plenty of coffee for me.

The Arm had the cue sticks and no room to shoot.
Crowded so much that that I just had to scoot.
Troubled to think of someplace else I could go,
Oh what the hell, and it's back to the Ho.

With a truck full of wood for the fire we reach
A leeward secluded spot on the beach.
Toting live eels and buckets of beer,
She whispered so softly into my ear.

With a cross on my chest and on nights I would dread,
Workin the line the lions we fed.
That crew was the best and I was so glad;
Long distant memories are sometimes so sad.

Between pushes at times I would just disappear
To Joes for a quick shot, my head it would clear.
One night they all followed, the boss he did roar,
"If you all are here, then who's minding the store"

At a house in the woods on the top floor we'd play,
The music so loud it still echoes today.
Making up lyrics to love gone all wrong,
Til she shut down the power and ended our song.

Swimming at crystal at night after work.
A cop with a blue light can be quite a jerk,
He ended the one chance I could make her exclaim..,
An unlit pink candle is all that remains.

Red dog let me know when he wanted to play.
He'd search through the woods, if it took him all day.
He'd find what I threw there and bring it to me.
Like all things end up, his spirit is free.

A tribute to cupcake a promise I made.
Who loves you most? "You do" I said.
Someday I'll see her again, this I do know.
But til then, oh hell, it's back to the Ho.

A long time has passed, a decade or so.
Where they are now, I really don't know.
Except for the one I still hear from, and yet;
Never kissed her is something I'll always regret.

(actually, it's really her loss, but then, at times, I can be quite arrogant)

Unarmt und kuessen mein freunt, ALLES KLAR

Cupcake, I know you want me but I just have to know, is it only because I drive a ranger? Now where's my skirt? Get ta steppin!! WLYTM, biskit

Stand Yer Ground, Bandana

PTOWN INVADED BY "DRUNKIN" "STUMBLIN" "BUMBLIN" MORONS

2005-07-12T03:32:00.000-07:00

I've traveled a great deal in this country. I've been to some places that are predominately gay communities like Fire Island, Key West and Boca Raton. Each has its own local charm but no matter how hard they try, they'll never be P'town. In all the other gay oriented communities it's all about being gay. In P'town, it's all about being yourself. It doesn't matter what you do for a living, what color you are, what language you speak or who you vote for. Who you share intimacy with is not the point to the town at all. It's a fun town. Or, at least most of the time it is.

I was reading the reports of the festivities gone awry on the 4th. I won't bore you with the "legitimate" press version of the drunken mob that once again demonstrated the need for mandatory military service. So, in the spirit of the holiday I will exercise my rights to free speech, expression, and pursuit of happiness and amuse you and enlighten you with a different perspective of that evening.

Now the way I see it, 2000 people descended on this happy little burg and through their mastery of their second language (foul) and prolific ability to mesmorize their own perspective imbibing the spirits of America, transformed this sedate seaside village into a metropolis of mayhem. (Not a bad run on sentence)

The press alludes to the lack of public restrooms which in reality means this mob was urinating wherever it suited them. I'm sure that their moronic defense will be; afterall, it is called PEETOWN.

I read also of the complaints of police brutality. HMMMM. Well, the methods used were physical. I will agree on that. But, any police action taken was a matter of self defense. It's really a matter of how you look at it. I mean if you see an officer using a police baton on someone, is the officer beating the person or, is it actually the person hitting the officers baton with his head. Is it the officer punching the guy, or is the guy punching the officer in the fist with his face. How can one discern the truth in this matter? Hell, that's simple. Who are you going to believe? The sober officer performing his community sanctioned duties and defending his town and his life against a drunken horde of invading marauders hell bent on destruction and mayhem? Or, the drunken stumble bums? Okay, still can't decide? I'll make it easier, go with the side you would want driving you children home.

I won't get on the "blame the police" band wagon. If they were brutal then you people damn well deserved it. So quit yer whining you whimpering little cry babies. If you can't run with the big dogs stay on the porch. If the town was smart they would sue every one of you freaks and make you pay for the clean up, the salaries of all the town employees on duty that evening and punitive damages for wrecking the good reputation of this town. You can lie all you want but I know, you know and everyone else knows that you went there to get drunk and cause as much trouble as you could in the name of "having fun". Well I say then if you're entitled to "have fun" then so are the cops. So, you had your fun and got your butts kicked. Leave it at that.

Now, Mr. Brimmer. Oh but cupcake you've made yourself a public celebrity. You claim that the police were brutal do ya. I'm sure you went to just enjoy the fireworks, and I'm sure you didn't have a thing to drink, and I'm sure you had nothing to do with the crowd, and were innocently caught up in the events not realizing, in your youthful naivete that the crowd was out of control. I guess all the foul language was as unfamiliar to you Farsi and people urinating every where may be the accepted practice in your community. But wait, it says your from Wellfleet. HMMMM that must be a misprint because I've been to Wellfleet and I do not recall public intoxication and urinating to be legal in the town ordinances. You're just mad because you're too stupid to duck. What did you think the cops were gonna do with an out of control drunken mob, hand out pez dispensers. What's the matter, momma not give you enough attention? Now go home and get yer coloring book and crayons and shut up. Yer no hero.

I'll make an offer to the town. Next year contract me for town security for the 4th. I'll bring a small cadre of independent bail marshals with me under the guise of a skip trace follow up. We'll be happy to "question" suspected "informants" in the legally accepted manner unconstrained from the limitations imposed by sworn and uniformed officers. Then your officers can enjoy the holiday for once.
After dealing with us, the drunken morons who invaded your town this year will be clamoring for police protection.

Stand Yer Ground, Bandana

FIRE IN THE HOLE

2005-07-09T06:00:00.000-07:00

I've been watching with some interest the raging tax conflict in Harwich. Seems the town just doesn't have enough funds to pay the firemen. Now it appears that one of the fire stations will be closed, maybe permanently. Doom and gloom sayers abound and tell tales of burning houses with no one to put out the fires. How very sad.

Much of the blame is being placed on the fire chief. I was taught to put myself in someone's shoes before I judge his actions. Seems to me the chief is in a no win situation. It's simple math really. Not enough money to pay workers equals less workers available for production. With a manufacturer this works out because if demand is down then payroll needs to be cut. Simple profit and loss concept. It's those pesky investors wanting a big return on their money. I love greed.

This method of business has never worked for government services. There is no profit or loss category here and the tax payers are not investors. They are not concerned with profits, they are concerned for their safety and security. It seems the powers that control the purse have forgotten this. It's typical Bay State government tax the hell out of every one and everything mentality. If you have to use scare tactics, even better.

I'm not convinced that the chief is guilty of scare tactics. He is just presenting the reality of the situation he is dealing with. He doesn't allot the money to his department, he just deals with what they give him. He's the messenger. He hasn't lied about anything, nor has he tried to hide anything. He has been upfront and prudent with what little resources he has available. The plain truth is with less firemen available it will take longer to respond and the potential for house fires raging out of control is much greater. You can fire the chief right now and it won't change that fact. I don't know the man and I don't know what kind of fire chief he is but I do know a scapegoat when I see one.

The bottom line now is if you want the service you are going to have to pony up more money. That's the choice you are faced with. So you may as well vote for it because the only other alternative is to get the state government involved. God help you if that happens. (Your friendly state legislature now has the plan to make taxes retro-active.) If you have a small business you're in for it.

Talk time is over. All the griping, whinnying and complaining isn't going to fix the problem. Here's what you need to do. Pass the overide and put the fireman back to work. Then find out who's responsible for making the budget and drag him out of his high dollar office and send him on a short vacation down this way and I'll be happy to take him "gator giggin". (You'll need a replacement, first time giggers rarely survive the swim, it's not my fault if they keep falling out of the back seat of the airboat when I cut a sharp turn, which reminds me, I really need to fix that seat belt and secure that chum bucket) The budget person is the culprit. And I'll bet if you dig deep enough you'll find that the budget person has been unduly influenced by one of your elected officials. I'll put money down saying that it is probably nothing more than a political vendetta at work here. Any takers?

Not much else you can do except maybe put a good sprinkler system in your home and buy a whole bunch of fire extinguishers. You might want to educate yourself about fire prevention and how to fight typical house fires. I'd check your fire insurance policy now too.

I don't know who is controlling the checkbook but for things to get this far out of hand, the problem had to be building over time. Somebody saw this coming long before it came to this. Sadly, it will take someone's house burning down and someone getting killed before it all comes to light in the looming litigation. In the end, it's an attorney who walks away with your money.

Elected officials need to be educated on how our legal system in this country really works.

1. It's not what's true, it's only what's provable and allowable in court.

2. The law can not protect you, it can only punish you.

3. There are three types of people who never get prosecuted:

a. Those that are dead.

b. Those who have immunity.

c. Those that don't exist.

When the time comes for a change of leadership make sure you also change who your budget person is and who your town attorney is. They control more of what goes on day to day than anyone else. Of course the sweetest irony that could happen here is if it were these peoples homes that burned down.

Well, damn people, what part of "I don't take prisoners don't you understand"? I've been stabbed, shot, burned, blown up and beaten half to death with a baseball bat. I'm still standin!

Stand Yer Ground, Bandana

Fun Things To Do In Truro

2005-07-07T07:21:00.000-07:00

Now I realize Truro is kind of small and there's not much to this sand village but with a little imagination and an open mind you can have some fun here. So here's a short list of things you can do in Truro.

1. Stop and get fuel.

2. Go to Corn Hill and see if you can spot an American pipit.

3. While you're at Corn Hill, run as fast as you can down the sand hill to the bay.

4. Take a deep breath.

5. Golf.

6. Fill all the holes on the golf course with jello.

7. Park and swim back to Boston. You'll get there quicker than driving the mid-cape in the summer.

8. Get an autograph from a circus midget.

9. Make a left turn.

10. Throw water balloons at a town cop.

11. Buy a Snickers Bar. (non Australian of course)

12. Don your P'Town attire.

13. Wishful think.

14. Autograph all the books in the library.

14. Watch the chinese dump ducks (seagulls) eat the bugs off your windshield.

15. Lock yourself in the trunk of your car.

16. Check the pay phones for change.

17. Try to pick up just one grain of sand.

18. Turn your car stereo up as loud as it will go and play polka music.

19. Play dizzy bat and then drive a golf cart.

20. Put up your own speed limit signs.

21. Leave.

Well, thats about it for me. There isn't much to Truro but it's a good place to stop as it's the gateway to P'town, and that's Truro's only redemption. And to answer a recent comment; no, the aliens do not live in Truro, they live in Wellfleet. C'mon sunshine, they are smarter than that after all, they're E.T.'s not Bostonians.

Stand Yer Ground, Bandana

NATURAL BORN KILLERS

2005-07-04T02:16:00.000-07:00

It's not often enough I get to spend any time with the old gang from the 21st. Getting to share this weekend with them made this 4th especially memorable. Lord knows we shared a whole lot of time riding in the back of an airplane made by the lowest bidder, flying off with the tons of combat comm gear (also made by the lowest bidder) to some fracas somewhere. It was nice to just enjoy a day with these people without wondering if the pilot was landing in the right country.

With wives, girlfriends and children in tow, 17 of us went to the stadium to watch the Manatees trounce the Cubs and watch some awesome fireworks after the game. Especially nice was seeing Ray Jr. again. In our day he was a small lad who liked to hang around us when we were in garrison. We even made a little uniform for him and made him a sergeant. He was kind of special to us as him momma died in childbirth leaving Ray as a single parent in a combat unit that deployed 200 days a year, every year. Young Ray was home healing from getting hit in the shoulder. Same wound I got so we sat and commiserated and compared scars and stories. Ray's a Marine now. He was on his second tour in Iraq when he got hit.

It was a great night and one I'll remember for a long time. It's funny the things people remember from those days. Oh, we had our moments of sheer terror where we didn't know if we'd live much longer, (and were too busy to worry about it) and you'd think that those memories would be in the forefront of the conversation when we had our little re-unions. Not so at all.

It was the stupid things that were funny that we remember and talk about the most. Like the port -o- johns in Central America we called Hondo Condos. When they torched that diesel in those things one would experience the literal meaning of being a flaming asshole. Then there was the time our commander stated that anyone who was overweight could not deploy. By 8 am that morning every dunkin donuts place was out of donuts. The order was quickly rescinded.

Then there was the don't ask don't tell philosophy which to us translated into the order that if someone was suspected of being gay that they could not deploy. By the end of that day there wasn't a straight in the unit. Then there was the time someone adjusted the governors on our vehicles and I'm sure we hold the record for the fastest military convoy. Those big M923's could hit 90mph ungoverned. So many stories like that. Stuff that just isn't newsworthy. Ray Jr. had a few stories of his own from the new front line. It was good to hear that our replacements have the same inventive thinking. Keeping sane when your world is insane.

Young Ray made a comment about the Declaration of Independence. He doubted anyone in the stadium that night had ever even read it. This brought much laughter as every one of us had read it. It was something required in our unit. A few who signed that document sacrificed everything they owned and died destitute, and nobody cared. It was an example to us that some civilians were worth the sacrifice. When the time came, they ponied up everything and because of them, the people who constantly exercise their right to free speech, (but should be exercising their right to remain silent), can freely express whatever moronic thought they have.

I hear the great debate about whether we should be in Iraq or not. "Hello" it doesn't matter cause we are there. It doesn't matter whether we should have gone or not anymore. Now lets finish this thing. If you're really interested in what's really going on over there then put down your newspapers and turn off your tv's and invite one that's been there into your home for dinner. You'll get the truth. Your not going to get it from some general who is well protected and who's information on the status is from those who are "walking the walk", and the reporters are not telling you anything that doesn't sell newspapers or isn't in line with the owners political affiliation.

Maybe you'd like to do something nice for the troops. Here's a hint, phone cards are worthless if there's no phone available to use. Did you know that several thousand troops only way of ever calling home is to purchase a cell phone which every major US cell phone company is happy to sell them because the average cell bill is $1100 a month and easily collected from a troop in a combat zone.

Did you now that the critically wounded being treated at Walter Reed and Bethesda have to pay for their spouses to stay with them at the local area rates. The list goes on and on. But then you people have always forgotten the veterans when it was time to pony up.

Thats right, you people. You are the government, you decide what will and won't happen. You're responsible for this country. Have you not realized that you are still paying for World War II, Korea, Vietnam, Grenada, Falklands, Nicaurgua, Dessert Storm, Somalia, Macedonia, and on and on. Why are you making the veterans and their families suffer emotionally and financially and letting the big corporations prey on them and victimize them. The finger is pointed at you! It's your fault!

So, how was yer 4th? Festive?

Stand Yer Ground, Bandana

Wellfleet, Project Blue Book, Project Sign

2005-06-25T05:25:00.000-07:00

Wellfleet is the best all around town on the cape. I had a delivery route which took me to many of the establishments in Wellfleet. It was the only town on the cape where the people would actually help me unload and stock that days orders. Always extremely friendly and helpful to the point where it seems that they know what you're thinking. Never short tempered angry or showing the slightest bit of impatience.

The town itself has some of the best beaches on both sides. One of the most interesting novelties is that it has one of the few remaining drive-in movie theaters in the country, or in the world for that matter. On the surface Wellfleet seems like the place to live but, careful there cupcake, things aren't quite what they seem in Wellfleet.

Let me give you some facts about Wellfleet. It's bordered on two sides by water. They fish for oysters instead of quahog and striper. Sixty one per cent of the town is National Seashore and, as I already mentioned, they have one of few remaining drive-in movie theaters in the world. That stuff you probably already know and seems quaint and innocent until you couple it with the following information I "acquired" from the CIA ARC files.

From 1957 until 1964 the Office of the Chief Signal Officer, Department of the Army ran a continuous reserve training program in Massachusetts. It was based at Camp Edwards and the "training" location was Wellfleet. Kind of a long training exercise for people who are only supposed to be training one weekend a month and two weeks in the summer.

Also from 1957 until 1970 the Office of Special Investigations, Department of the Air Force actively investigated unusual in-flight anomalies under the Project Blue Book and Project Sign programs. Information I "acquired" from NARA shows sightings of these occurrences in Wellfleet but no other town on the cape. The Air Force did not have the mobile communications necessary for the logistics required under Blue Book and Sign so they were given a detachment of army troops and equipment from, you guessed it, the Chief Signal Officer of the Army.

Okay, there's the facts. Now if your imagination is as active as mine you too can combine these facts to conclude that the population of Wellfleet are extraterrestrial. So the Air Force finds these space travelers who were crashing all over the country and had to do soemthing with them. Better to keep them together, and since they were stuck here, find a place where they could assimilate without much notice. SO, Wellfleet was chosen because it is bordered on two sides by water, is 61 per cent National Seashore cntrolled by the federal government, and located in an area rarely used by anyone.

Perfect place to hide stranded ET's. Especially since they were crashing into nearby waters anyway. That's where the Wellfleet oysters come from. They escaped from the crashed craft and thrived in the waters around Wellfleet providing a familiar food source. Wellfleet was thenatural and obvious choice. Can you think of a better place? Your tax dollars at work. What? You don't think the government would do something like that? Okay, then explain the Big Dig to me.

The drive-in was built in 1957 and you're wanting to know what it has to do with this. Well, that's easy cupcake! It is true, it is a drive-in but it is also a signaling device and space monitor. Oh, you don't believe me? Have you ever seen Pave Paws? They built that drive-in because the Wellfleetians got homesick and needed to make a mommy call. (E. T. phone home)

So, when you're in Wellfleet, be nice, because they are nice, but also, beware. The Wellfleetians use 50 per cent more of their brains than us earthlings and they have special mental powers. It's okay though, they have the approriate town permits. (It's always the quiet friendly ones; and hey, try some of them oysters!)

Stand Yer Ground, Bandana

Rte 6 Eastham, no left turns.

2005-06-24T01:48:00.000-07:00

I need to ask if any of you know what the speed limit is on Rte 6 in Eastham? Anyone? Thought so. Well, doesn't matter because you can only go as fast as the person in front of you no matter how close you get to his bumper, or what type of threatening gestures you make.

Eastham is the road rage capital of Cape Cod. I think its due to the frustration drivers go thru getting through the rotary after being behind some lumbering motorist on the midcape for the last 13 miles. Once they hit that four lane section after the rotary its like a Columbian prison break. Watch out for those drivers with the blinking tail light, they will stop in the left lane. It's called a legal left hand turn. Its a thing of beauty actually. You should already be aware that people do turn left off of Rte 6, its called driving! Something you learned when you took your driving test.

Half of Eastham is national park but I'd bet that the Eastham cops write more traffic tickets than any other village on the cape. It's a dangerous and life threatening deed to pull someone over on that section of Rte 6. There's no where to pull over. What an adrenaline rush that must be.

Well, it's not like there is much else for a cop to do in Eastham. Other than the traffic duties from the drive in and flea market, and the occasional construction flagging job they don't have too much else to do. It's not that the cops aren't capable, its just that not many criminals play in Eastham. If I were a criminal, I wouldn't either. It ain't healthy. Eastham is one of the few towns in this country where it's okay to defend yourself. You don't have to be a victim here and that's a good thing!

It may seem that this a subtle insinuation that the cops are up to something here but that's not true. They just seem to have a way of not further victimizing the victims like other police departments do. You can talk to these officers and not feel like you're being scrutinized as a potential criminal. Oh, believe me, they have looked you over, you just haven't noticed. Man they're good.

Many people have told me to watch out for the Eastham cops, they'll bust ya for speeding. Yep, they sure will. For those of you weaving in and out of traffic, tailgating, speeding and cutting off other drivers your lucky that's all they do is give you a ticket. If it were up to me I'd let them just shoot you on the spot. After all, when you do that it's no longer reckless driving, it's assault with a deadly weapon. More people are killed by drivers like that than by guns. And when you do kill someone in an accident you're lucky because you can't be charged with capital murder. Not now anyway, but the times coming when you will. I mean after all, it's state of mind and premeditated intent to kill with wanton disregard for life. It's just a matter of time before a young district attorney wants to make new law.

I'm hoping its Eastham where it happens. It would be the perfect place. I know you disagree now, but maybe you ought to ride with them to the next accident on Rte 6 and see the result. You'll change your mind.

Stand Yer Ground, Bandana

Brewster, Haven for Veterans

2005-06-06T02:36:00.000-07:00

I don't have an angst against this little thriving metropolis. I have always had a great time there and when I do return to the cape, I manage to sneak back to Laurino's for a genoa salami grinder, small beef and pepperoni pizza and any long neck bottle of beer. In another age I actually lived right across the street from Laurinos for summer. (things were much cheaper then)

Brewster is where life began for me. Like many young men I had this constant urge that just had to be sated and my first was in this village. Also my second, third , fourth.....(practice makes perfect) It's also where I discovered just how many people blew rope, which bars served minors real alcohol, and where you could go skinny dipping and not get bothered by the summer cops. What ever happened to Lake Farm Camp. Rest in peace Marion.

That summer is one I revisit in my mind often and still laugh out loud from some of the experiences I had. Like all of you, I had a group of friends that I hung out with so much that at times, it was difficult to remember who my real roommates were and who was just sleeping over for the summer. I remember them all but one guy in particular really stands out.

He was original. I was never bored and hanging around with him was downright scary at times. One just never knew what he was thinking and as I learned, he was capable of some very inventive thinking and was dead on with his follow thru. We all knew that once he got an idea in his head that it was best to go along with it. Thinking back, it was the thrill of the adventure. His antics garnered him the well deserved nickname Shocker.

I had a birthday that summer and my friends had a big party for me. I had a good buzz and Shocker asked me what I wanted for my birthday. Jokingly I said "a blonde, a brunette and a red head". (I had that urge again. It was a constant companion in my youth.) He just vanished into the sea of people and I went on with my party duties, completely forgetting my request. A short time later though, I got the shock of my life when thru the crowd slipped three very attractive young ladies, a blonde, a brunette and a red head followed closely by Shocker who simply asked "will these do?" He'd found them hitchhiking and somehow managed to get them to agree to be my birthday presents. Others talked, he delivered. To him finding the three young ladies was no harder than going grocery shopping. He seemed to know everyone everywhere and they all owed him a favor.

I remember an evening we were all sitting around trying to figure out how to amuse ourselves. Suddenly the phone rang. It was Shocker, he needed 3 drivers at the junk yard and his duffel bag. His duffel bag was something he rarely left behind. None of us ever looked in it. Frankly, I was too scared of what I might find. So, we all went to the junk yard. It was just getting dusk when we arrived and sitting out front were 3 very beat up vehicles. Amazingly they were all running. He grabbed his bag and from its depths he pulled 3 dealer plates and attached them to the vehicles. He also pulled 3 crash helmets out of that bag and simply said "high lines demolition derby". I think those cars are still up there somewhere. Amazingly, none of us got a scratch.

He taught us how to play rotary street hockey, coke can tag, car surfing, magical mystery tours, how to ride P&B buses to Boston for free and how to get into Fenway and the Garden for free. He was an original. Thinking back, I never knew where he worked or lived or even if he had a job or a home.

Ol Shocker taught me how to live life. He was the original "just do it guy". He never said much and was always happy. Then just as sudden as he came into our lives he was gone. The federal authorities came and took him. Seems he had a low draft number and was a bit late showing up for induction into the military. He told me he had been moving around and kept no address so they couldn't send him the notice of when and where to show up. His draft number was 3. He was supposed to go a month after he finished high school or turned 18. He told me he just wanted to have some fun in life before they took him. The odds of a new recruit coming home alive and uninjured were very slim.

They took him away and he ended up in the 101st and went over to Vietnam. I followed the news about that war more closely especially anything about his units activities. It became personal and it all seemed so unfair. His unit seemed to make the papers and TV news more often than others. Then, like everything else in my life at the time, my interest faded. In my youth I was often guilty of an "out of sight out of mind" mentality.

The people I hung with got older and more serious about life and we all seemed to drift apart as we got more serious about life. I found a real job and fell into the routine of work. I took a lunch break one day at Laurino's and whilewaiting for my order I looked around to see if anyone I knew was there and over at a corner table there he sat. I was stunned.

It was Ol Shocker himself sitting there having a beer and he was smoking, something he never did before. I went over to his table and sat down. He had just gotten out of Walter Reed and was on temp disability and came back to the cape. I asked him all the stupid questions you ask someone who just came back from a combat zone. His answers were mostly one word and vague.

In the middle of the conversation a man sitting at the table next to us suddenly got up and asked for his check. When the waitress came over he said loud enough for us to hear, "I won't stay in a place that serves baby burning losers". He stared at Shocker with hate and vilification then he walked out. Just as that sunshine patriot was reaching the door Shocker hollered out to him "hey mister, may all your dreams come true!" The guy just shook his head and left. I asked him why he was so nice to the guy after what he had said to him. That's when Shocker smiled and said, "nightmares are dreams too!"

He told me that he got that kind of treatment everywhere he went in this country. How odd life is when we allow our government to take these young men and force them to go to war and rather than compensate them well and treat them with some dignity, we treat them like they have leprosy and call them a burden on the taxpayer. They had no choice. We forced them to go.
Hell, if you get charged with a crime at least you get your day in court but those who are drafted get a death penalty for no reason other than they are 18 and won the "lottery". They have no constitutional protection, no rights. Choices? Sure, if you had money and connections you could join the guard, if not, you could renounce your citizenship and move to Canada, or opt for jail, or even join the other side. I still get frustrated when I think about it.

We finished our meal and beers and that same waitress came over to bring us the check. She apologized to Shocker for how he was treated and said that as far as anyone who worked there was concerned he was always welcome. She gave him a hug and said welcome home. There was no charge for our tab.

So, I like to go back to Brewster and have that beer and grinder when I'm sad or confused or frustrated. I can sit there and remember that day and that man. It centers me and helps me focus on what is really important in my life. It's a comfort to know that in Brewster I'll always be welcome.

Stand Yer Ground, Bandana

CHATHAMORONS; too much money, too little time!

2005-06-05T02:24:00.000-07:00

There's an old saying, all money does is make you more of what you already are. The high dollar residents of Chatham prove this true. I actually witnessed the absurdity of of how too much money can bring out the most ridiculous behavior and expectations in people.

It was 730 in the morning and I was shopping at a local grocery store in Chatham just before labor day. A big ole gas sucking vehicle with vanity plates pulls up and of course parks in the handicap parking. (Oh they had that handicap sticker. Money buys those too.) Out hops a woman who seemed to be pretty mobile and agile. She seemed a bit dressed down as she was clad in a pair of freshly dry cleaned jeans, pink chemise and heels. Of course her hair and makeup were perfect. (that time of the morning, I don't even remember I have hair, at least not til I've had my coffee) So she struts into the store and quickly comes back out with a couple of bag boys in tow. They grabbed a cart and went to her HUMPME and proceeded to unload several bags of groceries. Then she lead them back into the store. (I guess they would have got lost or something)

Now, I'm curious by nature, it's what makes me good at my job. I had to go in and see just exactly what she was up too. Guess what, she was returning all the groceries she didn't use over the summer and demanding her money back. I'm not talking just canned goods mind you, perishables too. Unbelievable! Oh she got her money back. I guess it is true, you really can rent food, I never knew that.

Funny thing about that day, I just had to give it a shot. I found a loose thread and pulled it free and kept it in my hand. When she walked by I stopped here and acted like I was removing the thread from the back of her chemise. She was mortified that her barbie doll appearance was wrecked by that thread but I smiled and looked her up and down and said "I doubt anyone noticed". Vanity, it such a weakness and so very easily played. I just love those high thread count bath towels.

What do they call the people of Chatham anyway, Chatamites? Chatamanians? Chathamers?
I'm not sure really but, as you already expected, I have a few suggestions. "Chathamoaners", appropriate for at least one resident. " Chathamaniac", nah too simple. "Chathamette", sounds like dinner plates. How about something Darwinian, "Chathamonkeys"! "Chathamarangs", wasn't that the name of a car in a Disney movie? No, that was chitty chitty bang bang. Maybe it's a new type of boat for rich snobs. "Yes, Chad, this is my new Chathamarang Depthseeker."

"Chathamoes", sounds like the b-side of the Frank Zappa song Dinah Moe Hum. (that song is about a woman in Orleans by the way) "Chathamagoo", could work for those that have aged beyond the blue hair stage. But I think I'll stay conservative and go with "CHATHAMORONS". For me, it says it all.

Stand Yer Ground, Bandana

Denmouthwichport The Capes Newest Town.

2005-05-29T04:31:00.000-07:00

This area of the cape doesn't seem to change much from town to town. It is the best motorcycle riding area and if you do happen to get pulled over for speeding the local constabulary can carry on a good conversation after they've done the license and registration drill.

This is the area of the cape where most of your labor force lives. It is the least expensive area to live on the cape and most forgiving for the number of roommates you can have. Here you'll only need 4 or 5. Most other areas on the cape you would need a number so great it would exceed the occupancy level of the Land Ho.

It's hard to tell where one town begins and ends. (I know there are signs, they are about as useful as speed limit signs. ) The towns here seem to blend together to form one large town with small pockets of strategically located commercial enterprises.

Now me, I call this area the badlands. You can find just about any type of mind altering substance here. If your a rope blower this area is rumored to have some excellent home grown. If you have an urge for charms of a woman, you can satisfy it here. Best poker games are here. Check the garage sales closely, you might find that case of cd's that you thought you misplaced. Need a fake I.D., cheap labor, weapons, or anything else you can't find legitimately then hop on your rice burner and cruise Denmouthwichport. Kind of reminds me of the islands in the canal zone.

Yep, you can certainly find things here that the rest of the cape doesn't want in their neighborhoods but one thing you won't find are child predators. If your looking for one of these sexually deviant monsters you'll have to go to a town where they are acceptable neighbors. Try Truro or Orleans. (well golly, you didn't know? why not?)

Stand Yer Ground Bandana

Wakeby Beach overrun by 60 foot Chickens

2005-05-27T11:04:00.000-07:00

If you've ever taken the time to actually look at a map of the cape you've probably noticed that it resembles a flexed arm with Ptown as the clenched fist. (If you never saw this then you need to stop reading right now and go tie your shoes because the obvious escapes you). The rest of you try to follow along. Look at the Falmouth area. Now if the rest of the cape is an arm, this area is the flabby area under the bicep on some, as Dr. Y. would diagnosis, morbidly obese person and holds about as much interest for me. It's only redemption are Woods Hole and Wakeby. (that's right, run and get yer map and see if Wakeby really exists) Even the sole strip joint is lame. But then I've been to Bangkok so that may skew my opinion. (Not likely) I've seen more action in a morgue. (No, Bangkok is not the north end of Nauset Beach)

There's a reason the USAF built an air base there. It was wrongly believed that someone would have to be a complete fool to live there. Truth is, the only reason people migrated there is because Chatham was already full of elitist snobs. They had to go somewhere. Someone should have dug another canal from Yarmouthport to S. Yarmouth and renamed the upper cape the State Transfer Station. Ouch, that had to hurt. Hey, but if you've been paying attention your favorite federal agencies are already planning to do this. Well, with all the nuclear waste going to Otis this area will be easier to find. Just look for the 30 foot corn stalks, and people exclaiming "man, did you see the size of that chicken?"

Stand Yer Ground Bandana

Overview

2005-05-24T09:54:00.000-07:00

My love affair with the cape is much the same as a love affair with a woman who you can't stand to be around and can't stand being away from. My on again off again residency was mainly on the lower cape and most of my focus and observations will be there. Like all low pay grunt workers on the cape, I held many different jobs. Cooking, delivery, roofing, retail, fishing, painting and even some limited carpentry. I do wonder if anything I nailed together is still standing. I found that when it comes to hammers I'm much better and far more accurate at throwing them than the more traditional use. If dueling were still allowed the hammer would be my weapon of choice. A long handled roofing hammer is the most accurate.
For now I live in the sunny and warm south. You can actually go to the beach and not need a parka. Truly this is my home, but that cape is like an addiction you can't kick. Always an outsider who's thoughts and opinions didn't matter, yet someone whom many would find to be a good listener, I learned to listen well and keep my mouth shut. Not to worry, I'll divulge no personal secrets here. What I am gonna do is poke you in the eyes and kick you in the.....town by bloody town. Love me or hate me, neither matters to me. Afterall, I was just another one of those migrant service workers you underpaid and overworked in the summer and who starved in the winter. The true color of the cape is the grunt labor who are forced to live from payday to payday trying to make ends meet on the substandard wages. These are the people with heart and spirit. These people are Cape Cod. They have my empathy. The rest of you are fair game, and if you haven't figured out the tone, then duck, cause here comes the hammer...
Stand Yer Ground, Bandana